As I'm getting ready to make a bunch of posts from April and May it has occurred to me, it's always the little things, the stolen moments, the daily life that doesn't always scream out at the moment, the time with friends/family that matter the most. Life is definitely made up of moments, and our life is so blessed. I am so blessed, as a daughter, woman, friend, wife, mommy.
I had no idea what it would be like to be a mom. I remember talking with Abby one day, I'm fairly sure I was VERY pregnant, I was at the movie store. There was a child there, and the voice of the child was making my skin crawl. I know that sounds terrible, just think of how bad I felt!!! I was soon to meet my baby, to raise a child and all I wanted to do was scream or run out of the store. Instead I called Abby, confessed my concerns... and heard the most comforting words. I can't remember them exactly, but I know she showed empathy and gave me encouragement. I know now, that yes, there might be those days when your own child makes you want to go back to bed... but it's NOTHING in comparison to how much love they bring into your life.
Yesterday as we were getting out of the car Nathan got out first and came over to open up my door. I was gathering the bags full of random stuff up (every once in a while I try to pretend that I can have a clean car), he said "here Mommy, I'll open your door". It brought me into the moment, I said "oh my, Nathan you are such a gentlemen!" I'm so glad I was present enough to give him a complement. He just BEAMED. So proud that he had hit the mark. He quickly asked me to give him my bag so he could carry it, then walked me into the house and reiterated that he was indeed a gentlemen. And tonight, as I was cuddling with him at bedtime, I said "goodnight my sweet boy", he responded "goodnight my sweet mom". There are times when it's nice to hear your own words repeated. If I haven't mentioned it a million times, he melts my heart. And all of this while he has been so sick.
Speaking of sick, all three of us have been sick for over a week. Normally I would not see this as a blessing. Although it was very tough to be sick at the same time as the kids, (I could be overheard once or twice saying "listen kids, I've worked really hard to take care of you and be nice while you're sick... now I'm sick and you need to be nice to me too!") having a week of nothing was quite wonderful. We didn't even leave the house for a day or two. Then I left the house without the kids... and my car broke down. A blessing in itself (that I didn't have the kids with me, and that I have fabulous insurance).
We've spent a lot of time reading, watching movies, playing outside. The timing has been perfect. Natalie decided to potty train. I wish I could remember exactly how it started. I know there were many days where she sat on her potty for HOURS. She would grab her tush and say "poo poo potty!", then she would sit, and sit, and sit. Give it enough time and you are bound to find success (let's hope she can remember this in the future). You probably think I'm exagerating, but I'm not. Ask my cousin Jenna, each time she came over Natalie was on the potty. She would sit on it and scoot it around the house... I can't believe these details are now memories! How quickly things progress, it's only been a 5-6 days! Immediately she stopped using her diaper, even at night. I finally accepted that this was for real, and the diapers are gone, she hasn't even had one accident in the whole experience. I'm still a bit in shock, wasn't I supposed to plant the idea, read the books, get her excited??? Was she really ready to grow up before I knew it???? No, this will not be the last time I get blind sided.
(when you've got to go....)
I love so many things about this stage, the total belief in oneself being one of the best. Although it can be difficult "self" is one of my favorite words. When Natalie says that it expresses so much. Her belief in herself, her desire to do the things we do, her need to learn. It takes patients to step back, to respect her when she says "self" and then charges forward. I'm so blessed that we are rarely in a hurry, that I have the time to let her try. On the other side is the heart breaking moments when I hear "can't do it"... oh, no no no, yes you can. I guess in either situation I get to be a parent, a mother who can support her.
No one could have expressed to me the joys of motherhood... and I know there is so much more ahead of me. But I'm not in a hurry... could someone please make time go a little slower? There are days when Nathan says that he doesn't want to get bigger, that he wants to stay this size. I want to say "okay", but a morbid thought crosses my mind and I can't even play along. I just want to live each of these moments and miss them like crazy when they're gone.
My heart is so full of love, we contemplate having another child but I am so afraid that I won't be enough. That I won't be able to re-establish the balance that we have in our life. That sounds funny to read, as we are so far out of balance right now. I know I felt the same way as we were getting pregnant with Natalie. I know in the end it will all be as it should, I just have no idea how we will decide. Nothing is better than the life I live, and I know more children will only add to that. If our family is already complete then I am blessed and fulfilled.